Autobiography
by Raige
Summary: Artemis has to go to therapy. Dr. Friedland tells the group to write their autobiography as a diagnostic tool for herself. Madness ensues, as Artemis always finds a way to make things interesting... RR
1. Hallucinations

_A/N: Hehe...Artemis Fowl writes his autobiography as an excercise in therapy...Needless to say, he will be a bit big-headed XD_

"And now, we're doing a new excercise, ladies and gentlemen! I assure you, this will be quite fun!" rambled Dr. Friedland while handing out sheets of paper.

Artemis Fowl looked down at the paper in front of him in disgust. Not another psychological survey. Supposedly, this was to determine which of various disorders that you have. Ever since he had let slip that fairies existed in a carelessly forwarded email to his mother, she had dumped him in a therapy/support group for people with mental problems. He remembered the discussion well and slipped into memories.

* * *

Angeline Fowl settled into a comfortable armchair in her bedroom suite. She was quite content and happy nowadays, having recovered from mental illness after Artemis Fowl Sr. returned from Russia. But right now her main concern was Artemis Jr. or Arty, as she liked to call him.

"You called, Mother?" asked Artemis in a calculating voice, as always.

"I wish you'd call me Mommy or at least Mom. Mother is so impersonal, as if you aren't my son anymore" replied Angeline. She often wondered whether Artemis suffered because he was so bright and missed out on a childhood.

"I am hardly a child as you are well aware, Mother. The word 'Mommy' is not befitting to an individual like myself"

"Mom, then?"asked Angeline hopefully.

Artemis chose to ignore this."What have you called me for?"

"Well-um. Let me start by asking you this. Are you feeling alright? Nothing jumping out at you from shadows...or flitting around with laser guns?" said Angeline.

"Are you suggesting I'm insane, Mother?"

"Of course not, but-"

"It was rhetorical. Why are you asking me these strange questions?"

Angeline shifted uncomfortably in her armchair. Her son often made others uneasy, and right now, he was having that effect on her, but she knew she couldn't . She pushed her hair out of her face, walked over to her computer, and opened up an email from Artemis.

At this point, Artemis was truly puzzled, for once in his life. This just didn't happen to Artemis Fowl. He had the highest tested IQ in Europe, he wasn't to be fooled by a computer. He felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, which he recognized as dread. Wasn't Juliet in his room sifting through his email two days ago? He had forgotten to lock it, but it wouldn't happen again. She probably forwarded something about his illegal activities. Maybe the forged Van Gogh? Or maybe the Faberge heist? Whatever it was, it would seriously hurt his funds, something that was vital for his activities.He looked at the screen and was horrified by what he saw.

_

* * *

Subj: LEP Log  
Date: 5/30/2003 1:50:57 AM  
From: To: fairies are under control for now. I am keeping a log of their patterns and activities. This is possible because I implanted a small camera within Captain Short's retina when I held her captive, so I can see whatever she sees, as well as several small ones in Foaly's communication booth. However smart Foaly thinks he is, I have never been outsmarted, and a talking centaur is no exception. Unfortunately, I don't think the 'Holly Cam' is very effective, as the last image I got was of Holly walking in on Foaly engaging in some..ahem-questionable activities, shall we say. Maybe ignorance really is bliss. _

Captain Short tried to buzz me in the arse with her Neutrino 2000 the last time I saw her (maybe it had something to do with the fact that I almost stepped on her while she was completing the Ritual ). Yes, I saw her. I was at Tara and saw her completing the Ritual. Her shields don't fool me. I think she fancies me because I am so dashing, however disturbing that may be. Who wouldn't fancy me? Hell, _I_ fancy me! Wait, what am I doing? This is a strictly scientific log, not the ramblings of a teenage boy.  
LOG  
---- 

* * *

"_This_ is what I'm worried about. You of all people should know that fairies do not exist. And who is Holly? Captain Short? Is there something you aren't telling me, Arty?" asked Angeline, almost pleadingly.

Artemis silently cursed the one letter that differenciated his mother's email from his. Artemis had unwittingly forwarded a log of his own surveillance log to his mother. That one letter in their addresses. He had hit SEND without looking. And now his cover was blown. As hard as he thought, there would be no explaining this away. But he had an idea

"Oh, that. That's a log of a game we play at school. My friends and I have devised a code to communicate with each other, and whoever can't figure it out is put on the LEP "surveillance" list," said Artemis calmly without batting an eyelash. He could get out of this.

It looked as if Angeline had accepted his explanation.

"No. You're lying. I can tell. All day long, I hear you talk to shadows and walls, and address them as Captain and Commander and Root. Why? Why didnt you tell me earlier, Arty? I could have gotten you help, with professionals. I was ashamed to get help and look what happened to me," Angeline paused for a while,"It's settled, I'm sending you to the finest support group in the entire United Kingdom, Dr. Friedland's group. She specializes in hallucination cases. I'll send her an email right now, Arty, don't you worry," said Angeline as she ruffled Artemis' neatly combed black hair and sat down to write an email.

Artemis pushed his hair into place irately and thought to himself. So that's what she thought it was? A hallucination. Well, it could have been worse. She could have discovered the people. Artemis sighed and resigned himself to looking politely contented, and jumping at shadows, to reinforce the hallucination theory his mother seemed to have. It was going to be a looonnnggg couple of weeks

* * *

A/N: Next chapter is going to be the autobiography...That's going to be funny P ease review! 


	2. Autobiography

_A/N: Thanks to the reviewers...To clarify: I am 12 (going on 13), so yeah, I'm young (and proud of it)_

_**the Unrequited Lover-** You're actually not that much older, I'm about to turn 13...And yes, here is the long awaited (not really, only 2 days) autobiography :)_

_**aperfectattitude-** hehe..the email was my favorite part to write too_

_**Everto Angelus-** Spelling and grammar are easy.The hard part is making sure that the writing isn't sub-standard aka sucky in any parts :-P_

_**absolute power-** No, actually I'm short too...At least to other people...I'm only 5'2 and the people I know are all 5'5 +...Anyway, short people and fairies rock _

_Hehe..This is a parody at times,butmethinks'tis funny. On to the story! _

_

* * *

_

"I'll beback guys, I'm just going to get us some pencils. Remember Charlie and Bob, no stabbing people with the pencil this time," said Dr. Friedland warmly, as if stabbings were an everyday occurence in her support group.

Artemis looked away from the paper in front of him and at the people around him. One appeared to be schizophrenic, as he was carrying on a conversation with "Bob" and "Charlie" at the same time. Apparently, "Bob" had stolen "Charlie's" wife and they were in a brawl. It amazed Artemis that the man did not notice he was punching and choking himself.

The woman next to him was drooling and howling like a dog,barking at random intervals throughout the session. When Artemis had entered the room, she had leaped on him and licked him, which apart from disturbing Artemis greatly, made him worried for his health. What if she had rabies?

Last and certainly not least(at least in his own eyes), was Artemis in his Armani suit, just sitting there, staring blankly into space, wondering how he was to endure treatment with these nutcases. Maybe if he pretended to be like them? No that wouldn't work. For the first time in his life, Artemis sighed and resigned himself to his fate. _'Not before I have a little fun,_' thought Artemis as Dr. Friedland returned with pencils. As he took a pencil, no one saw his vampiric grin before beginning to fill out his 'Autobiography'.

* * *

_Question 1: How were your early years (1-7)?_

I am quite grateful you skipped the requisite 'When were you born' question, as I would have strangled myself had you included it. Oh dear, those are suicidal tendencies aren't they? Quick, get me some Zoloft!

For your information, my "early years" were quite productive, if I may say so myself. But then again, what can you expect from a godly being such as myself? While the other moronic children were playing hopscotch, I was busy stealing their stuffed animals and holding them for ransom. And stabbing them. Viciously. By now you are quite aware that I have no intention of telling you anything that might help your diagnosis. But because I know you are under contractual obligation to read the rest of this, I shall continue, in order to frustrate you for my amusement.

_Question 2: Did your parents ever abuse you/ignore you?_

Oh yes, doctor, they beat me horribly. I am weeping as I write this, oh woe is me, I am the horribly abused child. I'm suffering from flashbacks and they destroy me.. (that was sarcasm, you insufferable moron)

In all seriousness, they _did_ hire a bodyguard named Butler for me, but that's probably because they got tired of me getting held at precincts for trying to rob ATMs. Now, Butler is 15 years older because he got shot and came back to life thanks to Captain Short. Am I driving you insane yet, Dr. Friedland?

* * *

At this point, Artemis looked up. The room was the site of utter chaos. Apparently Dog Woman (as Artemis had dubbed her) had eaten her paper and was trying to steal Bob/Charlie's paper to eat. Bob responded by sitting on her and Charlie punched her. Dog Woman however, had bitten them both and was running around the room on all fours, knocking over desks and tearing papers. Meanwhile, Dr. Friedland surveyed the scene with utter calmness, an isolated spot of sanity in the room. Artemis just shrugged and continued occupying himself with the paper. _

* * *

Question 3: Please describe yourself as you see yourself. _

In a couple of adjectives? Dashing, handsome, genius, devious, cunning, godly- you get the point. I am the epitome of perfect. Come on, look at me! You know you can't resist...Even fairies fancy me (not to mention a certain centaur named Foaly).

My genius, as many know, is unrivaled throughout Europe. At the age of 10, I had successfully forged over 100 masterpieces, including Van Gogh and Monet's most famous works. And you know what I did with them? I could have sold them for 10 million euros each, but I took a candybar and 5 euros from a bum. Close enough.

_Question 4: Have you suffered any traumas recently?._

Apart from seeing Foaly naked? And getting buzzed in the arse by a Neutrino 2000? No, not really. Although I do enjoy spending my time traumatizing fairies and holding things over their heads. Don't try to strap into a straitjacket, as I will scream 'Help me!' and I'm sure Butler would be happy to oblige by letting you taste the wrath of his Sig Sauer. Bwhahahaha.

_Question 4: How do others describe you?_

Honestly, I think they are frightened to describe me as they would like,as Butler could break their neck in 100 different ways. Although I'm sure one way would be quite alright. But if they were to describe me, I'm sure it would be positive (especially from my fangirls) I quote: "OMG ARTEMIS IZ SO EFFIN HAWT!ONE!11 LYKE TOTALLY!1"

_Question 5: What are your defects, as you see them?_

I'm a bit paranoid, but that is only because my fangirls adore me so. They hide in my shower, for Da Vinci's sake! Other than that, I repeat: I am the epitome of perfect. I'm the smartest person since Einstein, I'm young, suave, and debonair. Hey, even prophecies describe me well "dark eyes, and raven hair" although I do resent the "foul by nature" bit. Except for the small detail that I might have a mental disorder, but I'm sure you can fix that all, can't you Dr. Friedland?

_Question 6: Any last comments?_

If you do not give me 10.5 million US dollars by tommorow, I shall detonate a bomb in your house. Or I'll just send Root to give you a lapdance. That will be enough to send you blubbering and weeping uncontrollably to your own support group.

Signed,

Artemis Fowl the Second aka Insane Fairy Boy.

* * *

As Artemis finished the last words, he smiled. Friedland's reaction would be priceless. Now all he had to do was to wait for Dr. Friedland to read it.

_A/N:The "prophecy" I am referring to is the code at the bottom of the first Artemis Fowl book. I translated both the first one and The Opal Deception (yay!)Yes, there will be a next chapter :o It's going to be Friedland's reaction to the paper...Read and review please! Flames will be used to burn down Dr. Friedland's office._


	3. Euphoria

_A/N: Sorry it took longer than expected to get this chapter up...My computer was being retarded, and then I went to the beach..  
**Calli Maxwell-** I probably would have shot her in the head too XD  
**Shadowfoxkit13-** Another Artemis fan! Join the club..lol  
**Aln9876-**I get the' you're 13!' comment alot nowadays for some reason o.0  
**Sqarecool321**- Did you mean 'obsessed'? Yeah, he kind of is, but he was trying to drive the doctor insane  
**Redwren-** Here's thenext chapter!  
**absolute power**- I admit to being an Artemis fangirl(not obsessed...yet):guiltily raises hand: And yes, I love the word Bwahahaha..lol  
**the Unrequited Lover- **I love writing sarcastic people, that's why I LOVE the AF fandom...And yes, one of my friends is an Artemis fanboy XD  
**Everto Angelus-** I sent you the Gnommish key...Tell me when you finish decoding it :)  
__On with the next chapter..

* * *

_

Dr. Friedland studied the scene of chaos around her. Bianca, a woman who had been acting like a dog lately, was still running around the room on all fours. Strangely, Dr. Friedland didn't seem to be affected. Normally, she would have been squawking and running around, trying to catch Bianca. But today was different, she felt relaxed, even as Bianca knocked over her desk. So what if her computer shattered on the floor? It wasn't her problem, surely not. Bob/Charlie had a severe case of schizophrenia, and they were choking each other at the moment, but again, Dr. Friedland didn't seem to care. It was as if a veil of euphoria had clouded her senses, and caused her to smile complacently at the disorder in her small office.

Then Dr. Friedland noticed a shimmer in the air in front of her. What was this strange disturbance in the air? Again, Dr. Friedland's normal reaction would have been to panic, but she felt calm, in a meditative state. Dr. Friedland reached out to touch the shimmer in the air, but it shocked her. Not enough to make her hair become frizzy and stand on end, but just enough to give her a warning. _Don't touch me again._

_"Go to the bathroom. You have to use the bathroom,"_ said a voice in Dr. Friedland's head.

For once, a sharp bit of panic slipped through her happiness. Was she going crazy? Was sh-Why worry? said the voice in her head yet again. It had taken on a bit of a hypnotic quality, mesmerizing. Dr. Friedland was sure this voice wouldn't hurt her. It had no reason to. And again, the fog of contentment slipped over her.

"_Yes, I have to use the bathroom. Must go_," thought Dr. Friedland as she got up in a daze and started walking towards the bathroom.

* * *

All the while, Artemis was watching her with hawk-like vigilance. He saw the almost idiotic grin and expression of bliss that he associated with-No. It couldn't be. At least not here. How could they know he was at therapy? He would never hear the end of it. But what if Dr. Friedland was really just an idiot? He couldn't take the risk of letting her know his suspicions. If he was wrong, the secret of the People would be unleashed and he would be blamed for it. So instead of doing anything, for once, Artemis just sat there, wondering what would happen next.

* * *

Dr. Friedland walked down the tiled hallway to the bathroom. The hall was sliding in and out of focus, but that didn't matter, did it? Before she opened the bathroom door, Dr. Friedland hesitasted, as if she thought better of it. 

'_Open the door. Now,'_ commanded the mysterious voice that only she could hear.

_'Why?'_ asked Dr. Friedland silently, regaining some of her thoughts.

'Just do it. I'm your friend," whispered the voice, soothingly.

Without another thought Dr. Friedlandwent toopenthe door. She placed her hand on the knob.Another pang of doubt. ButbeforeDr. Friedlandhad the chance to ask another question...BAM! She was hit in the head by the door being kicked open by...someone. Someone who she couldn't see. But right now, the voice was telling her, "_Sleep_". So she did.

A/N: I apologize for the super-shortness...I guess by now most of you know what's happening. If you don't, well you'll just have to wait for the next chappie, won't you XD Review please!


	4. D'Arvit!

A/N: The final chapter of Autobiography (!) I'm finally 13 :happy dance: Anyway, the final chapter is nigh..lol...Thanks to alllllll of my reviewers from all the chapters :)

* * *

Dr. Friedland looked down at herself, unconcious on the floor. Wait, how could she see herself if she was unconcious and not dead? 

"Bloody humans. Can't imagine how they can stand being inside a body all the time," muttered Dr. Friedland, or rather, her impostor. Suddenly, the impostor appeared to be ripping apart at the seams. She swelled, until she looked as if she was about to burst. The thing that was to have been Dr. Friedland disinflated and a short humanoid creature walked out of the folds of skin.

This figure appeared to be a child, but it was too disporportional to tell. She had cropped auburn hair and wore a strange green jumpsuit that read 'LEP'. This was none other than Captain Holly Short.

* * *

Meanwhile, Artemis was still sitting rigidly in his chair amid the office that looked like a nuclear bomb had hit it. Artemis looked extremely uncomfortable, but he was scheming in his mind. 

How could he get out of there? There was clearly something odd going on, and Artemis was sure Root and Holly were at the bottom of it. What had Artemis done this time? Artemis wracked his brain trying to think what he had done to the fairies to get them after him. _'Damn it! It probably was that small bit of smuggling porn to the Bwa' Kell last month!Hey, it was only softcore to be fair!"_he thought, then added in his mind,_ 'D'ARVIT! Great, now I'm even thinking like a fairy!'_

Thinking clearly again, Artemis thought of his options while Bianca aka Dogwoman was chewing on his sleeve, quite used to this by now. He could go attack Dr. Friedland while she was under the mesmer, and then leave the building, blaming it on Bianca. But this obviously could go wrong. What if Friedland wasn't under the mesmer? Too many possibilities of discovery and being shipped off to an asylum. Or he could just sit here with his head in his hands. Right now, the latter seemed the best option for Artemis. So he sighed and got comfortable as Bianca proceeded to claw at his hair. Artemis didn't even seem to notice when Bob and Charlie had stopped fighting and let Bianca out in the hall. Bianca + Unsupervised equals bad news.

* * *

Holly-I mean-Dr. Friedland-I mean- oh forget it, you know who I mean, nervously touched the Neutrino 3000 stashed in her labcoat's pocket. Fowl was a smart one, she knew that. She was not surprised when allegations of porn smuggling had reached her ears. Yeah, it was definetely Fowl. Hey, what can you expect from a teenage boy? A genius, but nonetheless, a teenage boy with rampant hormones and lots of money. Holly started to remember when she was just 50...The wild years-wait, she was here for a mission, not reminiscing over teenage years. 

Holly peeked around the corner and seeing no one there, she darted down the hallway quietly. Suddenly, she heard footsteps coming toward her. She tried to hide in a broom closet, but it was too late. The intruder greeted her rather cheerfully-with a bark and a lick on the face. _'So this was the freak that Root warned me about,'_ thought Holly, _'This is what the humans get after centuries of inbreeding. People like her. And Fowl' _Holly tried to get up and leave, but at this point the dog-like human began to growl menacingly. Holly heated up her Neutrino 3000 to give her a small shock, when suddenly the human jumped on her and tried to bite her. Without thinking, she shot the laser, and-hey, where'd she go? Holly looked down at the floor and the pile of ash next to her. Oops. Better be careful with that thing, Holly. She merely shrugged and continued down the hall.

Finally, Holly found the conference room where Artemis was supposed to be. Room 640. Perfect. All she had to do was to sneak in and BAM! she would nab him and take him toPolice Plaza, where all Fowl's memories of the People would be erased. For good this time.

Holly took a deep breath and jumped into the room with laser pointed straight ahead, yelling, "FOWL! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR THE CHARGES OF-" She stopped short when she saw the room was empty except for a piece of paper. It read:

* * *

_Dearest Commander Root and Captain Short,_

_It is obvious that I have outwitted you, yet again. Did you really think that plan would work? Come on, I know you're better than that. Anyway, right now, I'm probably on my way to a sandy beach in Puerto Rico with free drinks and an extremely hot waitress named Carmela who I'd definitely like to try-oh forget it, the point is I'm gone. _

_Until your next pathetic attempt at capture, I remain,_

_Your most elusive crimelord,_

_Artemis Fowl the II

* * *

"D'Arvit!" swore Holly out loud. Of course, the LEP checked all flights and ships to Puerto Rico, private or otherwise, and no Artemis Fowl was listed._

* * *

_Meanwhile..._

Artemis suppressed a laugh in the closet nearby, dressed as Bob/Charlie. Was the LEP really that stupid, or had the dank air finally gotten to them? It was the only thing he could do, albeit a feeble attempt at escape.Fortunately, it worked, and it wasn't all a lie.Mind you, he was going to Puerto Rico with free drinks, no matter that he couldn't drink, his credit card would arrange that. And about that waitress...

**End**

**A/N: **Not a very funny ending, but it all came out pretty well..lol..Sorry for the delay, I've just started going to NJIT, so I haven't had much time to update any stories :)


End file.
